The lyricist in me !!!!!!!!

                                Har ek Call zaroori hota hai

Sea ke liye , Jaise coast hota hai !!

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Aise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Kabhi subah paanch baje Network chala jaaye,

Kabhi raat ko teen baje waapas aa jaaye,

Kabhi customer care uncaring lage,

Aur kabhi promo texts toh unbearing lage.

Jaise promise tumhaara Topmost hota hai.

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Ek toh ghadi ghadi call lagao toh kabhi kabhi call lage,

Customer care ko jabhi bhi call lagao, Kabhi nahin call lage

Raat ko kehna padta hai girlfriend ko goodnight,

Kabhi toh rakho network alright,

Jitna effortless call drop hota hai,

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Kabhi call end toh kabhi message not sent,

Call Center  ki who fake accent,

Kabhi shopping mall mein hota 3G suspend,

Call karo toh hota rehta HOLD extend,

Call drop, Message Stop,

Plans Flop, Bheja Shot,

Har ek cheez pe lage Full Stop.

Kutton …. Kamino…

For Fuck Sake … Shut up…

Har ek ad jaise BOAST hota hai !!!

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Waise har ek call zaroori hota hai !!

Na na na na na…

Na na na na na ………………

 

LOL !!!!!! Sowwie for spoiling the fun for you !!!!!!!!! 

Laugh A Minute !!!!!!!!!!

Me:– Hello ….

Unknown:– ha ha ha …

Me:– who the fuck is this ?

Unknown:– it’s a call frm the future. 
Me:– yah right :| and i am Batman . M in no mood fr jokes , who da hell is this ?

Unknown: – I am not joking my friend, it’s a call frm the future to let u knw what u gonna see in the near future.

Me:– Eh ?? U kidding aint u??

Unknown:– ha ha !! Nope. Try me.

Me:– awright awright lemme think …. Ummmmm …. Temme something abt 2030 Unknown:– Anna Hazare would be protesting against BJP for implementation of the Lokpal Bill.

Me:– Duh !! Aaaa … Dats kinda possible. Anything else ??

Unknown:– Salman Khan would be dating Katrina’s Daughter.

Me:– Dats also predictable. Temme something which is unpredictable.

Unknown:– Ajmal Qasab would be elected as The Chief Minister of Maharashtra.

Me:– Now now. Dats interesting. I dont give a fuck if you are an imposter coz this is funny. Haha

Unknown:– (Laughing) Ha ha ! I know .. Heres the thing , The construction at Mumbai Airport would still be ongoing. Hahah !!

Me:– Roflmao !!!

Unknown:– Ram Gopal Verma would be releasing his 287th flop movie with the same amount of confidence dat he displays today

Me:– Lol.

Unknown:– Karan johar would be directing a Lesbian movie called “Dost Anna”

Me:– Heee heee heee .

Unknown:– George Bush would be the world’s most wanted man and Osama’s son would be elected as the President of the United States of America.

Me:– :P

Unknown:– People on Facebook who update their statuses by quoting quotes frm other’s would have their account automatically transferred to “Assbook”!!

Me:– oh oh !!! ;)

Unknown:– Iphone would launch ios version 432.4.4 which would have features like i-brow,i-lashes,i-liner and i-opener fr women.

Me:-Whoa!!! Man this is insane.

Unknown:– MNS would be against North Maharashtrians !!!

Me(rolling on the floor):– Hahahahaha

Unknown:– Saif Ali Khan would announce that he would get married to Kareena next year !!

Me:– OMFG !!! LOL

Unknown:- Zayed Khan would be buried alive by the Indian Film Industry for not giving up on Acting.

Me:- Dont Stop :P :P :P

Unknown: - Zayed would be the second actor after Uday Chopra to have been Buried Alive.

Me:- LOL LOL LOL !!!

Unknown: - Farah Khan would be admitted in a Mental Asylum for contantly claiming in the media to be the Best Choreographer in Bollywood.

Me:- Man!!! Future can be hilarious. LOL.

Unknown:- Hrithik Roshan’s new show would be called “This time i’ll shut da fuck up and let people JUST DANCE”.

Me:- Man hold on .. I cant breathe .. heeeee heeee heeee .

Unknown:- S.R.K and Aamir would fight over whose Son is no.1 ...

Me:- Wooot?? : P : P : P

Unknown:- SRK’s would release his last feature film which would be called “No-One”

Me:- Enuff Man !!! Okay temme ... What would about my Blog???  Would it be famous?

Unknown:- I don’t think its a good idea .. Guess i should get going...

Me:- Hey please. I wanna know mate...

Unknown: - Alright....

Your Blog would be banned for normal use and would be practiced by The Investigating team for a 3^rd Degree Torture on Terrorists by making them read it atleast once in 2 months for Mental Torture ... Hahahahaha ... Need to go now Buddy .. Take Cares and Keep Smiling :)

Me:- :( :( :(

Blackmail !!!

                                                            

Oh yah !! So now “Indian Overseas Congress” in Great Britain calls Anna Hazare’s Movement a “Blackmail”. Yes it is indeed a Blackmail. Suck dat Bitch!!! According to them a few thousand people on the street cannot voice out the population of 1.2 billion. Yah right, neither can a dickhead sitting at the other end of the world.

D.L Kalhan’s statements against Hazare seem to disregard his emotions and efforts in trying to do something for the country. I don’t know whether Anna Hazare is corrupt or no. Or whether his bill will create a major difference or not, but I know one thing for sure, he is atleast trying. Which most of us aint(including me). It’s extremely disheartening to hear people from overseas who dragged their asses outta the country ages ago, comment on an elderly man trying to bring a change while these assbags found it better to flee ? M not against the Indians in the UK but m really against the shit that splatters outta their mouth when they comment such insensibly about the ongoing political issues in India.

Now here’s my response to D.L Kalhan. Yes you motherfucker .. it’s a blackmail . But apparently there was nothing different than what happened in your country either you bitchass. The youth of Britain burgled your balls outta you people and we prayed for you out here. Rather than laughing at your grief’s and passing our expert comments on the same. There is no difference in what happened in Britain and whats happening  in India, You wanna know why you Clitface?? Wanna know why?? .. Okay beat this .. That was also coz of  a                                                            

                                                        

                                              Black-Male !!!

Hahahaha !! I wish he could actually read my reply. LOL LOL LOL !!!

The Witty Birbal

This incident occurred when Akbar had a new queen and Tansen was ogling over the size of her Boobs. He was completely mesmerized by them and couldn’t take his eyes off em. But Alas he knew his dream was gonna die in his shithole bed every night. He wanted to get rid of his desperation and hence approached Birbal . After listening to his side of the story birbal decided to help him.

Birbal:- Hum aapka kaam awashya karenge. Parantu aapko bhi humaare liye kuchh karna padega Tansen.

Tansen: - Arre Birbal aap jo bole hum who karenge. Aap maangiye aapko kya maangna hai .

Birbal:- Hum 10,000 sone ke asharfiyan lenge.

Tansen:- De diye samjhlo Birbal . De diye !!! (Excited)

Then one fine day, when the queen went for a bath Birbal sneaked into her room and sprinkled some itching powder on the inner side of her brassiere. When the queen came out of her shower and put on her undergarments , the worst ever itch started running over her boobs. She just couldn’t stop herself from scratching her balls. Eventually Akbar came to knoe about the situation and he called for all the known Hakeems in his area. Unfortunately the Hakeems did not have any equipments and were unable to guage the cause for the itch and hence the cure was unknown to them. Akbar with a very pale face watched his Queen scratch her boobies away. In total distress he went to birbal and told him about the incident.

Akbar:- Humaari Rani ki haalat humse dekhi nahin jaati Birbal.

Birbal:- Iska upaay hai Maharaj.

Akbar:- Kya hai upaay Birbal ? Baatao hume ?

Birbal:- Ek baar Cheen ke darbaar mein bhi aisa hi hua tha. Wahaan ke raja ne uske darbaar mein jo sabh se achha sangeetkaar tha uske muh se apni raani ke stan chuswaaye the. Tabh jaake who khujli chali gayi.

Akbar(bedazzled):- Parantu yeah toh cheen ki baat hai. Aur humaare paas kaun achha sangeetkaar hai ? Tansen ??

Birbal :- Jee Maharaj. Humein lagta hai Tansen hi aapko iss musibat se bacha sakte hai.

Akbar asked Birbal to catch hold of Tansen and get him to the Queen.

Birbal:- Dekho Tansen. Humne jo Dawa unpe daali hai uska asar khatam hone mein abhi kuch samay baaki hai tabh tak tumhein unke stan ke saath jo karna hai tum kar sakte ho.

Tansen(twinkling eyes):- Bahut Bahut dhanyawaad Birbal.

Tansen was taken to the queens room and was asked to suck her boobs. Tansen readily started off and was continuing it for as long as he wanted to to. Eventually the itch weared off and tansen was satisfied too.

Akbar:- Birbal!! Hum bahut prasann hue. Tumhaari salah ke liye hum tumhein 10,000 sone ke asharfiya inaam denge.

Tansen saw this and wondered , Birbal is getting money frm both ends. This aint fair. After some time Birbal entered Tansen’s room .

Birbal:- humaare sone ke sharfiya hume de do tansen.

Tansen:- Agar nahin diye toh kya karr loge Birbal ?

Birbal:- Doge toh tum awashya Tansen.

Tansen:- Arre humaara mood nahin hai. Nahin dete hum .

Birbal:- Dena toh tumko padega Tansen.

Tansen:- humne aapse kahan nah Birbal. Aap apna time waste kar rahe ho.(Apparently they spoke Hinglish at that time :P :P :P)

Birbal :- Dena toh tumko padega tansen.

Tansen:- Tum kaunse confidence se yeh kehte ho ke hum tumhein asharfiya denge ?

Dats when Birbal said.

Birbal:- Dena toh tumko padega Tansen kyunki hum abhi wohi khujli ki dawa hum swayam Baadshah ke chaddi mein daal ke aaye hai !! (Smiling)

Tansen  hands over the money without a single delay.

Moral of the Story:- Never Mess with Birbal !!! 
P.S:- This Joke is not Created by Me ;)

BlabberFuck !!

Amitabh Bachhan was once offered a Television Soap by Zee TV . He was offered a very high amount to sign the contract and greedy as always he signed it without any delay. Now as we are all aware Mr. Bachhan is well known for the way he talks. He has been known all over the industry to be one of the most influential speakers. The Authorities at Zee TV  were a little scared to let him know the name of the game. They explained him the concept which was as follows:-

There would be a number of contestants who would be given a topic everyweek and they would need to influence a particular number of people by the means of Communication. It wouldn’t really matter whether they lie, boast, torture or even kill the people for that matter. The contestant with the highest number of supporters would be declared the winner. The show was named in such a way that the winner would be called by the name of the show and he would be given a Mega Prize(Some sorta shitty Car) .

Now , When the name of the soap was disclosed to Mr. Bachhan he was so angry dat he didn’t know how to react. He was dumbstruck for a moment and wanted to go back on his contract. He requested Zee entertainment to nullify the contract and infact paid them an amount of 50 lakhs from the ABCL account. He sd this show had something to do with his forte and he does not wanna disclose it to the Public. Unwillingly Zee TV let him go but almo made it a point that he does not do any shows for the channel ever due to his irresponsible behavior. He has never done any shows for Zee TV after that (just incase you were wondering why I chose ZEE TV ).

But what was the name of this serial ??

What made Mr. Bachhan take such a drastic step ..

Well the show was called ….

      BOL BACHHAN !!! 

 P.S:- I dunno what is worse … This story or me :P :P :P

Filmi Takkar !!!!!!!!!!

This is one post which is gonna be needed by the media. Well guys, i give it to you fr freeee freee freee

The actual transcripts of the fight between KING KHAN & DABANGG. Location  Katrina Cafe !!!

Srk(2 sallu):- Hey Bro! Congrats on buying all the awards for Dabangg. Must have been xpensive eh ?? He he.

Sallu:- less than wat u spent on your make-up to hide those wrinkles bro!! Haha
Srk(hurt):- Ha ha !! You are funny kid!!
Sallu:- I knw uncle !!! (winks). By da way m celebrating the success of Dabangg afta the party. Wanna join ??
Srk: Nah bro. Gauri needs The Bang tonight.
Sallu:- Huh ? C'mom yaar you are good at  lying " Kabhi haan Kabhi naa"
Srk:- I respect her bastard " BIWI HO TO AISI"
Sallu(angry at the abuse):- Itna "JOSH"
Srk:- MAINE PYAAR KIYA yaar. (winks)
Sallu:- i knw DEVDAS i knw.
Srk:- You dunno mate. I doubtif your AUZAAR dwn there is still in working condition. :p hehe
Sallu:- Dude. Its still got SHAKTI THE POWER!! (fuming)

Now the fight takes an ugly turn

Srk:- Enuff of this nonsense... Bass HELLO BROTHER ... bass abhi
Sallu:- kyun bey aur GUGUDEE nahi karni saale GUDDU ??
Srk:- ANDAZ APNA APNA hota hai bey !!!
Sallu:- Chal abh ONE 2 Ka FOUR ho ja chal
Srk:- Kyun tujhe KHAMOSHI nahi taste karni kya ?
Sallu:- Saale tu kya khamosh karega bey KING UNCLE ??
Srk:-CHAL MERE BHAI zyaada ho raha hai abh ...
Sallu:- Zyada hua nah ??? Toh abh yahan se gayab hone ka CHAMATKAAR dikha chal.
Srk:- Tu LUCKY hai ke mere biwi bachhe yahaan hai.
Sallu:- abey tere naseeb achhe hai jo meri daaw yahaan hai warna RAMJAANE tera kya karta main.
Srk:-Tu READY rehna bey. Main chodunga nahi.
Sallu:- hahaha . DARR gaya saala.
Srk:- aaj ke baad bina BODYGUARD ke ghumna matt samjha ?
Sallu:- tu kya DON hai kya bey ?? Ukhaad lega kya ??
Srk :- ukhaadunga toh main zaroor KYUN KI tune galat aadmi se panga liya.
Sallu:-saala DUPLICATE bhai hai tu samjha???
Srk:- samajh mein toh tujhe aayega jabh log bolenge EK THA TIGER.
Sallu:- jaaa bach gaya tu. Main tere jaise  RA.ONE ko G.ONE(life) daan karr diya.
Srk:- Aaj ke baad mere ghar mein tujhe NO ENTRY.
Sallu:- Meri hata matt. Warna pata nahi ghar tera KAL HO NA HO . nikal saale.
Srk:-JEET toh meri hi hogi.
Sallu:- abey haar ke jeetne waale ko BAAZIGAR kehte hai bey !!!
Srk(fumbling):- abey , tune to ek teer se do nishaan maare hai VEERy witty VEERy witty.
Sallu:-MAIN HUN NAH. abh tujhe DUSHMAN DUNIYA KA nahin bana diya to main bhi YUVRAAJ nahin. Aaj ke baad LUCK BY CHANCE bhi teri film ko hit hone nahin dunga, abh meri VEERGATI dekh tu, saale teri zindagi ek PAHELI bann jaayegi aaj ke baad, media bhi dekhegi ek BAADSHAH ko road pe DEEWAANA bana ke kaisa ghumaya maine. Saale abh meri dushmani ka ANJAAM dekh tu.

SRK is completely boggled and speechless.

And then comes the million dollar question.

Katrina:- GUYS. Can i discuss my film career with you people ???

Shahrukh storms out of the party !!!!!!

MISCOMMUNICATION !!

The Ocean’s Eleven were wandering along the streets of America, jobless and broke as ever. Having lavish food felt like supremacy to them. That’s when George Clooney made up his mind , he was damn sure he wanted to repeat Oceans Eleven, not as a movie, in reality. He discussed with everyone that he would wanna try his hands on it, as feebleminded as he was, nobody wanted to be a part of his misadventure. He somehow managed to Convince Brad and Matt to be on his side, reluctant as ever , they agreed .

George Clooney:- We would be robbing a Casino in Mumbai !!!

Brad Pitt: - Duh!!! Do they have one there?????

George Clooney (winks):- I have checked with a Source ,they have a different name for a Casino in Mumbai, they call it “Matka”.

Matt Damon (Excited):- So when do we leave then???

Geaorge Clooney( with a Camera Close Up ) :- Right Now !!!!!

The Trio reaches Mumbai. Excited as ever, they are out of their hotel and on the lookout for a Matka…

Cabbie:- Kya Sahab !! Humaare saath chalo hum tumko ekdum Top Class waali Jagah Leke jaata hai!!

George Clooney(confused):- I dunno wat you meant Brotha but dat sounded NICE !!!

The Cabbie Drops them somewhere in the middle of the jumbled streets of Mumbai Central.

Matt Damon :- Man!! This Place looks like Shit !!! You Sure we need to do this George ??

 George Clooney (winks):- Trust me !!!

George points out at a Door indicating “That’s the One”. But there is a huge man standing in frnt of the Door chewing some weird stuff which makes his mouth look like its full of blood.

Guard:- Kya hai ? Kya maangta hai ? Item nahin milta hai idhar ..

George Clooney: - Hi !! M George Clooney .

Guard:- Maloom Nahin , Aage poocho.

George Clooney (Confused) : - Huh ?? Didn’t get ya ..

Guard:- Arre Maloom Nahin Bola nah Baba , Aage poocho.

Brad Pitt (Confused) :- What da hell is he saying ??

Guard:- Aye !! Idhar Rada nahin karne ka, Bola nah , Yahan pe yeh naam ka koi Colony nahin hai. Aage jaake pooch . Faaltu mein time nahin waste karne ka !!!

George Clooney(Angrily):- Its my name you nigga !!!

Guard:- Haan wohi baba . Aage jaake pooch chalo.

Brad knows Angelina is quite a sensation in India. He tries his hand.

Brad Pitt :- M Brad. Angelina Jolie’s Husband.

Guard:- Kaisa aadmi hai yaar tum ? tumko bola nah . Yahaan pe Ladki log nahin milta. Angel , Leena aur Julie sabh tumko peeche ke galli mein milega. Yahaan se chamko abhi.

Brad Pitt is Flabbergasted coz he doesn’t understand a Shit …………….

Brad Pitt :- Did he try to say dat he saw my wife somewhere around ?? She told me she was in Paris ??

George Clooney :- Look !!!  We got money, we wanna play..

Guard (Irritated):- Arre Paisa leke kya karega re Chirkut ?? Humko nahin maaloom colony kidhar hai . Fokat mein kyun time pass karr rela hai ? Chal Chamak nahin toh khayega abhi.

George Clooney(Irritated):- We’ve come all the way round from America to play in your fucking club .

Guard(Confused) :- aaaaaa…aaaaaa..aaaaaa  (Silent)

Matt Damon: - This shit aint working …. I’ll call Miss. Kamini Kayshan

Brad pitt :- Who is that ?

Matt Damon: - She’ll help us communicate with this guy. I had a friend who had the same problem on his last visit to India. She had helped him. But she’z got a hearing problem.

Matt Dials Kamini Kayshan’s Number ….

Kamini :- Helloww !!!!

Matt Damon: - Hey look . A friend of mine gave me your number. We need your help we are in Deep Trouble .

Kamini :- What ?? Deep Shah ?? What trouble ?? What happened to him ?

Matt Damon:- Eh !! My Name is Matt Damon. I need your help.

Kamini:- Demon ?? You mean he has been Possessed ???

Matt Damon (Irritated) :- Aaarghhhh … Brad .. Can you please speak to her ?

Brad Pitt :- Listen We’ve come from the states , we have a communication problem here.

Kamini:- Did Deep tell you that he had a Problem with Kamini Kayshan ?? Look Friend I had a fight with him last night. But I didn’t know this would happen. I am really sorry for everything…..

Brad Pitt :- Shut da Fuck Up ………………. This is Insane…

Brad Throws the Phone at George Clooney …

George Clooney (Hesitantly) :- Look we are the actors from Ocean’s Eleven.

Kamini :- Okay I’ll try to be there near the Ocean by Eleven but where exactly ??

George Clooney ( Yells) :- Oh For Fuck Sake !! You Sloppy Lil Bitch .. Don’t you have a hearing aid ???

Kamini (trembling):- Uhhhhh …. Deep … Has … Aids ????

Kamini Faints….

George, Brad and Matt had to return back to the states empty handed wid a grim look on their Face … After all they had not only understood the exact meaning but even experienced  the word 


                                                     MISCOMMUNICATION !!